The year is almost at a close. I think that 2010 was the year of truths for me. Hard truths. I realized a lot of things about myself, mostly, and how I view the world and myself as well. It could be that I was deceived all this time, or just that the world actually HAS changed this much. I would like to believe I am just as optimistic as I was at the beginning of this year, but that would mean that all these truths that I have discovered are worthless.
I have learned the hard truth that I am NOT important. If truth be told, and this is the year of truths, then I have discovered that if I were to move away or disappear, that I would be missed by few. I would be missed most only by the people that need me: Janna to sew for her, My boss for someone to do this shitty job, and perhaps my landlords to pay rent. That's the list. I have no friend who are close enough to miss me. I know Chrispy would say he would, but in all honesty I see him once a month, if I am lucky.
This truth is a hard pill to swallow. Its hard to admit to yourself that you aren't needed, that your entire purpose in life right now is to pay bills and sew. Sure, it's nice that I am enabling Janna's dream, but at what price to myself?
I suspect, like most hard truths I have learned this year that this is all a result of my own doing. I am the one to blame. Going to Australia was the best part of my life so far. Unfortunately it also severely cut most ties I had with my friends here. Was I always so anti-social? Was I always so forgettable? I don't think I was, but I can't really trust my memory, it's not reliable. This year I seem only capable of feeling loss and dispair. I have learned the art of hiding dissapointment and faking it, because when you are grumpy and mad and sad and tell people that they aren't being a good friend or not parenting anymore it just drives them farther away. Nobody likes a negative nancy, even when she's just crying out to be loved and noticed.
This year I have also lost a best friend, due to drunken behaviour that had nothing to do with me. I got blamed for something a friend did, and lost Chris over it. Sure, he wasn't the best a best friend could be, but as they say, beggars can't be choosers. Something is better than nothing, though I do think he was trying to get into my pants.
In my last post I was so hopeful that things were changing for the better. Some things have, while others have changed, but not to my advantage. I live on my own now, which is nice, I suppose, but so very lonely. I am not allowed a pet at my new place, so I try to talk to my plants, but I get about as much out of them as I do my friends and my job, nothing. I am exhausted by constantly putting myself out there, reaching for some way to fit in, to belong and to matter. I want to be someone's something special. I NEED to matter.
As this year comes to a close all I can hope for is something better in the new year. As always, I hope to have better posture, but I think this year that I have bigger fish to fry. Maybe by going to yoga I can make friends AND have better posture and learn to accept that we are not all destined for great things, or even pretty-ok things.
I never once thought, when I was young, that this is what I would grow up to be, but then again I never stopped to think about being an adult. I never had goals because I never thought I would be an adult, I'm not sure why. This year I will look ahead without any goals, just trying to keep my head above the water.
