Could things get more complicated?
about once every 3 years I get into situations where I have 3-ish potential boys running around in my head. It only happends every 3 years, and usually I end up making a bad decision and then remain single for the next 3 years. Im not sure why these boys dont space themselves out, it would be greatly beneficial to them, and me.
Lately this has happened again. I suspect that it is because since my travels I think in a different way, therefore I see others in a different way as well. I dont think it means I have lowered my standards, just that my standards have changed. For some reason I am more wired towards getting married and having babies, which is really quite weird for me. But come to think of it, I know that I have had a body change ( like puberty or menopause, it happeneds about 4-5 times in a womans life) in this last year, so perhaps that might be a part of it too. strange, I never put that together until now.
Anywhoo. I have made some bad choices already, had some sexual relationships with an exes best friend, turns out the ex still had feelings for me, even though the feelings werent reciprocated back at him etc etc. So things are finally getting back to normal-ish with the ex, were are hanging out and going to movies etc, being friends, when all of a sudden he starts flirting with me. For me this is really confusing and it makes me feel like a dirty ho. He knows that something happened between myself and his best friend, but he still wants to hump me? This baffles my mind. and kind of grosses me out. So either he doesnt know, or he does and doesnt care. Theres a pretty huge difference there
While all this drama is going on, I have also met another boy who is nice and cute and fun. Unfortunately he is kind of young, though im not sure how young. He is also kind of scenestery, in a high profile band, which is good for him, but not so much for me. It makes me feel preassured into being cooler or funnier or prettier. I suppose I should take the time to remember that he asked ME out and that age doesnt matter, unless you are a 28 year old woman hearing time ticking for the first time.
This post makes me feel like a hussy. but if its only every 3 years, thats not so bad right?
happy st.pattys day tmrw kids, dont forget to wear green so you wont get pinched!
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
i cant wait to garden
im so busy lately. I have this new job, new but old i suppose. im working for my old job at a different location, which is far from my house. i work ten hours a day, and it takes me 45 mins to get there.. and back. so thats 11.5 hours out of my day, minimum. Its not leaving me much time to do anything, if i had things i had to do. It seems im always grocery shopping. or taking money out from the bank to pay my rediculous rent or utilities. My money seems to fly out of my bank account the moment i desposit it.
I know im just getting my feet back underneath me, but somehow since coming back from oz i've had bigger goals for my life. short term goals. or perhaps just things that i need to do or get done. I mean, i've always had these goals, but now they seem a bit higher up on my list of things to do.
I have been thinking strange things lately, wanting things way out of reach for me. Like lazer eye surgery. Is that a want or a need? i have really bad eyesight. if i wear glasses my eyes look tiny, and i get huge headaches. so i wear contacts 24-7, literally. im sure its not healthy for my eyes. To get lazer surgery it would cost at least $5000 for me.
$5000. i wonder if i will ever get that money together?
lazer surgery is the tip of the ice burg. maybe the most expensive, but its there all the same. I need dental work done, and there are things i would like to buy for myself. like a humidifyer. and a mirror. i'd love to get cable, if only to get the food network and the national geographic channel. but i think that is delving into wants, not needs.
its hard to think about all of the things i want, when it all seem so far away. Good lord. i would LOVE to have a car, so i could get better jobs and more money. what a vicious cycle. so i work heaps, to catch up on bills, and complain about my living situation and how i have no time, while i take the time to type this out. ha.
I know im just getting my feet back underneath me, but somehow since coming back from oz i've had bigger goals for my life. short term goals. or perhaps just things that i need to do or get done. I mean, i've always had these goals, but now they seem a bit higher up on my list of things to do.
I have been thinking strange things lately, wanting things way out of reach for me. Like lazer eye surgery. Is that a want or a need? i have really bad eyesight. if i wear glasses my eyes look tiny, and i get huge headaches. so i wear contacts 24-7, literally. im sure its not healthy for my eyes. To get lazer surgery it would cost at least $5000 for me.
$5000. i wonder if i will ever get that money together?
lazer surgery is the tip of the ice burg. maybe the most expensive, but its there all the same. I need dental work done, and there are things i would like to buy for myself. like a humidifyer. and a mirror. i'd love to get cable, if only to get the food network and the national geographic channel. but i think that is delving into wants, not needs.
its hard to think about all of the things i want, when it all seem so far away. Good lord. i would LOVE to have a car, so i could get better jobs and more money. what a vicious cycle. so i work heaps, to catch up on bills, and complain about my living situation and how i have no time, while i take the time to type this out. ha.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Baby did a bad Bad thing
I fucked up. Big time. More than once actually. I've never screwed up like this before. But I apologized and baked, and things/trust was gained and things were ok. It turns out I didnt fuck up that much, that he was overreacting and that my guilt was bigger than the deed. So things were ok. Then we got drunk together and all I wanted to do was go to sleep. My options were your place or wait for a cab home while trying not to pass out or hear him have sex.
Both times were blurred heavily by drinking. Both times I cant recall the conversation that convinced me to go home with you. If I could figure out those conversations maybe I could figure out you. Im worried you are just a pretty face. Good lord! The handsomest face i've seen in a while. Almost too handsome.
My brother once advised me that mechanics arent very smart. That I could do better. Strange, considering he IS a mechanic and I am a fixer of sorts myself, a clothing mechanic you could say. Im worried that you dont care, when its pretty obvious that you dont. Im making the obligatory overtures and gestures and invites in order to placate myself with these actions that have happened. To convince myself that I am not a hussy, a slattern. To be able to say that I gave it my all and did my part, so later on I can place the blame on you. When it really is still my fault and responsibility that I allowed these actions to take place. If only I could recall my reasoning. Strange that both times have been blacked out of my memories.
If only you werent so nice all of the time. Its hard for me to determine if you are making an effort. I remember dreams and hopes drunkenly whispered at the wrong place and time. I thought I had made myself clear, and even if I have perhaps this is your way of making yourself clear. I wont be fucked around anymore, in this or life. I need things, stability, and I want things. I am confused the the emptiness when sobriety returns. Am I finally growing up? Am I finally realizing when these brief relationships are going no where?
Its easy to remember the good things about you, but this time I feel taken for granted, or tricked into it. An empty convenience for you that leaves me feeling wretched and without morals.
In order for this to succeed you need to step it up and make some big changes. I do as well. I need to learn to say no. And not drink so much. and get some morals n self esteem. Or just ask you what you think you are doing.
Both times were blurred heavily by drinking. Both times I cant recall the conversation that convinced me to go home with you. If I could figure out those conversations maybe I could figure out you. Im worried you are just a pretty face. Good lord! The handsomest face i've seen in a while. Almost too handsome.
My brother once advised me that mechanics arent very smart. That I could do better. Strange, considering he IS a mechanic and I am a fixer of sorts myself, a clothing mechanic you could say. Im worried that you dont care, when its pretty obvious that you dont. Im making the obligatory overtures and gestures and invites in order to placate myself with these actions that have happened. To convince myself that I am not a hussy, a slattern. To be able to say that I gave it my all and did my part, so later on I can place the blame on you. When it really is still my fault and responsibility that I allowed these actions to take place. If only I could recall my reasoning. Strange that both times have been blacked out of my memories.
If only you werent so nice all of the time. Its hard for me to determine if you are making an effort. I remember dreams and hopes drunkenly whispered at the wrong place and time. I thought I had made myself clear, and even if I have perhaps this is your way of making yourself clear. I wont be fucked around anymore, in this or life. I need things, stability, and I want things. I am confused the the emptiness when sobriety returns. Am I finally growing up? Am I finally realizing when these brief relationships are going no where?
Its easy to remember the good things about you, but this time I feel taken for granted, or tricked into it. An empty convenience for you that leaves me feeling wretched and without morals.
In order for this to succeed you need to step it up and make some big changes. I do as well. I need to learn to say no. And not drink so much. and get some morals n self esteem. Or just ask you what you think you are doing.
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