new years resolutions with no solutions

Perhaps I should make this a Bi-annual yearly blog, as thats how often I type my thoughts out. I often think about typing things down in here, but as of late, my thoughts are dark and glum and sometimes just typing them out is like admitting that they are in fact true.

The year is almost at a close. I think that 2010 was the year of truths for me. Hard truths. I realized a lot of things about myself, mostly, and how I view the world and myself as well. It could be that I was deceived all this time, or just that the world actually HAS changed this much. I would like to believe I am just as optimistic as I was at the beginning of this year, but that would mean that all these truths that I have discovered are worthless.

I have learned the hard truth that I am NOT important. If truth be told, and this is the year of truths, then I have discovered that if I were to move away or disappear, that I would be missed by few. I would be missed most only by the people that need me: Janna to sew for her, My boss for someone to do this shitty job, and perhaps my landlords to pay rent. That's the list. I have no friend who are close enough to miss me. I know Chrispy would say he would, but in all honesty I see him once a month, if I am lucky.

This truth is a hard pill to swallow. Its hard to admit to yourself that you aren't needed, that your entire purpose in life right now is to pay bills and sew. Sure, it's nice that I am enabling Janna's dream, but at what price to myself?

I suspect, like most hard truths I have learned this year that this is all a result of my own doing. I am the one to blame. Going to Australia was the best part of my life so far. Unfortunately it also severely cut most ties I had with my friends here. Was I always so anti-social? Was I always so forgettable? I don't think I was, but I can't really trust my memory, it's not reliable. This year I seem only capable of feeling loss and dispair. I have learned the art of hiding dissapointment and faking it, because when you are grumpy and mad and sad and tell people that they aren't being a good friend or not parenting anymore it just drives them farther away. Nobody likes a negative nancy, even when she's just crying out to be loved and noticed.

This year I have also lost a best friend, due to drunken behaviour that had nothing to do with me. I got blamed for something a friend did, and lost Chris over it. Sure, he wasn't the best a best friend could be, but as they say, beggars can't be choosers. Something is better than nothing, though I do think he was trying to get into my pants.

In my last post I was so hopeful that things were changing for the better. Some things have, while others have changed, but not to my advantage. I live on my own now, which is nice, I suppose, but so very lonely. I am not allowed a pet at my new place, so I try to talk to my plants, but I get about as much out of them as I do my friends and my job, nothing. I am exhausted by constantly putting myself out there, reaching for some way to fit in, to belong and to matter. I want to be someone's something special. I NEED to matter.

As this year comes to a close all I can hope for is something better in the new year. As always, I hope to have better posture, but I think this year that I have bigger fish to fry. Maybe by going to yoga I can make friends AND have better posture and learn to accept that we are not all destined for great things, or even pretty-ok things.

I never once thought, when I was young, that this is what I would grow up to be, but then again I never stopped to think about being an adult. I never had goals because I never thought I would be an adult, I'm not sure why. This year I will look ahead without any goals, just trying to keep my head above the water.

change comes from within

Seems like theres a whole lotta changing going on in my life lately.

I've been sewing the shit out of Cinder and Smoke garments, working double time for Janna and totally loving it. Because she sells the majority of her work at the farmers market downtown, which closes in another month, im a bit worried about where that will leave me. I keep meaning to ask her to see how much work she thinks she will have when thats done, but its pretty easy for me to forget.

When Janna comes to pick up/drop off stuff ( usually with a coffee, awesome!) its like im an excited little puppy. It totally brightens my day and makes me happy. Imagine what it would be like if i interacted with real people EVERY day?!!

Sewing for Janna gives me extra money for sure, which is awesome. My laptop broke a coupla months ago, and wasnt fixable so I got myself a macbook. This week I have finally bought myself a car. I havent had a car since 2003 or 04? Whenever i rolled my last one on the hiway.

I like the freedom that it gives me, not having to take the bus to/from work, and getting groceries is a breeze, but quite frankly, i feel like its made me even more anti social. Now i dont even have the busdrivers to say goodmorning to, or fellow passengers to peoplewatch.... Slowly i am making myself completely independant from everything and everyone around me. Im making myself lonelier... if thats possible?!

I am also moving in the middle of sept. Thank god! Joe and Annan are the hugest slobs in all the land. Thats just the way they are. Its pretty impossible to live with, dirty dishes and cat barf everywhere in this once beautiful house. Im moving back into my old house that i lived in before i moved to oz. Upstairs, with cory, with kalvin, nelle and my kitty downstairs. My great garden out back, and unfortunately the boy who crushed my heart lives across the street with his wonderful reality of pets and family and ladyfriend. You have to take the good with the bad right? Im hoping i can deal with matty easily and that it wont be rediculous. Though, i was driving there the other day and i almost had a panic attack about it. Damn. well, life isnt supposed to be easy right?

So now im packing up, hoping to move on, move to a happier place with friends/roomies that arent so self absorbed. Im missing ray, despite the fact that he would be a disaster for me. I guess im just missing the attention and companionship.

and im missing summertime. Where the hell did you go?

asshole.

everything that i never wanted

My bestie janice is headed back to oz this week and i dont think i really realized exactly how jealous i am of that. This last month has been really really hard for me. Im grumpy as fuck and im getting bitter-er with every passing day. Im getting frustrated with my life, my friends and my family and if i didnt know any better i would be running as far away as i could right now. I know im not happy here, but im not sure what i need to change or how to do it.

The one good thing in my life right now is my under the table, illegal job sewing for janna. I mean, its not that illegal, but i get paid in cash and i do it while im at another job. Its sad when i spell it out like that because really, its whats keeping me here in edmonton.

My roomates are really big slobs, as well as being my landlords too, so i cant really tell em to get their shit together. You wouldnt think that something like plain ol mess would make you angry, but it starts to grate on your nerves, day after day. Sure they clean, but only when THIER parents or friends are coming over. No, No dont worry about me.

That actually seems like the theme of my life lately. I know everyone else is busy with significant others and bands, but goddammit im still here, single and bored and lonely. Im awesome people. I shouldnt have to tell friends to be better friends. Its not friendly-like.

I guess my conclusion is that im horrible at any sort of relationship, wether it be at work, home or with friends and family, i just cant seem to connect and keep people around, sadly. I cant keep boys from running away and i cant get friends to hang out. Im outta the loop and im feeling pretty low about it. Am i that forgettable? This summer has been horrible so far. 2nd worst after mattycat. Thats a whole nother can of worms that doesnt need to come up for air. Probably just proves i was horrible at relationships all along. How did this happen? Was it from growing up on an acreage? Maybe from moving from sparwood at a young age? Being painfully shy? Where does this all begin? Not to point fingers, but to figure out why im such a fuck up and maybe do something about it.

i think thats it for now debbie downers, over n out.

tick tick tick tick

Could things get more complicated?



about once every 3 years I get into situations where I have 3-ish potential boys running around in my head. It only happends every 3 years, and usually I end up making a bad decision and then remain single for the next 3 years. Im not sure why these boys dont space themselves out, it would be greatly beneficial to them, and me.



Lately this has happened again. I suspect that it is because since my travels I think in a different way, therefore I see others in a different way as well. I dont think it means I have lowered my standards, just that my standards have changed. For some reason I am more wired towards getting married and having babies, which is really quite weird for me. But come to think of it, I know that I have had a body change ( like puberty or menopause, it happeneds about 4-5 times in a womans life) in this last year, so perhaps that might be a part of it too. strange, I never put that together until now.



Anywhoo. I have made some bad choices already, had some sexual relationships with an exes best friend, turns out the ex still had feelings for me, even though the feelings werent reciprocated back at him etc etc. So things are finally getting back to normal-ish with the ex, were are hanging out and going to movies etc, being friends, when all of a sudden he starts flirting with me. For me this is really confusing and it makes me feel like a dirty ho. He knows that something happened between myself and his best friend, but he still wants to hump me? This baffles my mind. and kind of grosses me out. So either he doesnt know, or he does and doesnt care. Theres a pretty huge difference there

While all this drama is going on, I have also met another boy who is nice and cute and fun. Unfortunately he is kind of young, though im not sure how young. He is also kind of scenestery, in a high profile band, which is good for him, but not so much for me. It makes me feel preassured into being cooler or funnier or prettier. I suppose I should take the time to remember that he asked ME out and that age doesnt matter, unless you are a 28 year old woman hearing time ticking for the first time.

This post makes me feel like a hussy. but if its only every 3 years, thats not so bad right?
happy st.pattys day tmrw kids, dont forget to wear green so you wont get pinched!

i cant wait to garden

im so busy lately. I have this new job, new but old i suppose. im working for my old job at a different location, which is far from my house. i work ten hours a day, and it takes me 45 mins to get there.. and back. so thats 11.5 hours out of my day, minimum. Its not leaving me much time to do anything, if i had things i had to do. It seems im always grocery shopping. or taking money out from the bank to pay my rediculous rent or utilities. My money seems to fly out of my bank account the moment i desposit it.
I know im just getting my feet back underneath me, but somehow since coming back from oz i've had bigger goals for my life. short term goals. or perhaps just things that i need to do or get done. I mean, i've always had these goals, but now they seem a bit higher up on my list of things to do.
I have been thinking strange things lately, wanting things way out of reach for me. Like lazer eye surgery. Is that a want or a need? i have really bad eyesight. if i wear glasses my eyes look tiny, and i get huge headaches. so i wear contacts 24-7, literally. im sure its not healthy for my eyes. To get lazer surgery it would cost at least $5000 for me.
$5000. i wonder if i will ever get that money together?
lazer surgery is the tip of the ice burg. maybe the most expensive, but its there all the same. I need dental work done, and there are things i would like to buy for myself. like a humidifyer. and a mirror. i'd love to get cable, if only to get the food network and the national geographic channel. but i think that is delving into wants, not needs.

its hard to think about all of the things i want, when it all seem so far away. Good lord. i would LOVE to have a car, so i could get better jobs and more money. what a vicious cycle. so i work heaps, to catch up on bills, and complain about my living situation and how i have no time, while i take the time to type this out. ha.

Baby did a bad Bad thing

I fucked up. Big time. More than once actually. I've never screwed up like this before. But I apologized and baked, and things/trust was gained and things were ok. It turns out I didnt fuck up that much, that he was overreacting and that my guilt was bigger than the deed. So things were ok. Then we got drunk together and all I wanted to do was go to sleep. My options were your place or wait for a cab home while trying not to pass out or hear him have sex.

Both times were blurred heavily by drinking. Both times I cant recall the conversation that convinced me to go home with you. If I could figure out those conversations maybe I could figure out you. Im worried you are just a pretty face. Good lord! The handsomest face i've seen in a while. Almost too handsome.
My brother once advised me that mechanics arent very smart. That I could do better. Strange, considering he IS a mechanic and I am a fixer of sorts myself, a clothing mechanic you could say. Im worried that you dont care, when its pretty obvious that you dont. Im making the obligatory overtures and gestures and invites in order to placate myself with these actions that have happened. To convince myself that I am not a hussy, a slattern. To be able to say that I gave it my all and did my part, so later on I can place the blame on you. When it really is still my fault and responsibility that I allowed these actions to take place. If only I could recall my reasoning. Strange that both times have been blacked out of my memories.

If only you werent so nice all of the time. Its hard for me to determine if you are making an effort. I remember dreams and hopes drunkenly whispered at the wrong place and time. I thought I had made myself clear, and even if I have perhaps this is your way of making yourself clear. I wont be fucked around anymore, in this or life. I need things, stability, and I want things. I am confused the the emptiness when sobriety returns. Am I finally growing up? Am I finally realizing when these brief relationships are going no where?

Its easy to remember the good things about you, but this time I feel taken for granted, or tricked into it. An empty convenience for you that leaves me feeling wretched and without morals.
In order for this to succeed you need to step it up and make some big changes. I do as well. I need to learn to say no. And not drink so much. and get some morals n self esteem. Or just ask you what you think you are doing.

the calm before the storm

These blogs are sporatic and unorganized and really not a very good window into my life. Perhaps that is not such a bad thing.

I think part of my problem with being in edmonton is that I feel squashed, hampered in, with no place to call my own. That may seem strange, coming from a girl that lived with 15 other girls in one room for 7 months, but strangely enough, i feel more crowded here, where i have my own room and basement and bathroom. I am a child of space and quiet. I grew up alone, with myself. Even when i was traveling i would need to go for walks by myself, or just find a place to sit and think and wonder.
Here, I am rarely alone. Joe and Annan work, but it seems like they work at opposite times, or that someone is always home. Its making me grumpy, which is unreasonable and silly. In oz, i would go for walks along the mighty yarra river, go to the markets or just wander alone. In oz, that was entirely possible, because it wasnt in sub zero weather. I hate this winter i live in, and i hate being crowded.

I think thats the beauty of traveling. The freedom. How you didnt need to inform people where and how you were going places, or what you did that day. Im not sure why i bristle so, when someone asks me questions. I have always been such a private person. I think this makes me hard to live with and probably hard to love.
I would love to live alone, to be accountable to no one, but at the same time I wonder if so much time alone would bring the sorrows. That balance is a hard line to follow.

I have gotten a job finally with my previous employer. Already I feel as if I am being cheated out of money. He hasnt told the girl that im replacing that she wont work there anymore. I get one day of training, and will work on salary. I am suspicious and despite the fact that I was looking forward to getting back to work, I am not looking forward to this. The two good things that i forsee about this job are the fact that I will be working alone, not doing much work, as well as the fact that I will be working close to my friend brandy's house, which I never get to go to because she lives so far away. Which indicates that this job is not very close to my house at all.

a double whammy?! inconcievable!

whats this you say? two posts in one day? inconcievable! unimaginable.

its true, i tell you, this is a real thing.

whelp. i talked earlier today about how i dont do well in the night time. its night time. at times like these i wish i had a lover. not only for sexy results, but because of the distraction. When im in love, or at least in bed with a person i rarely have time to dwell upon my own thoughts and feelings and dooms.

This evening I was excited to go to the movies with my friends. Im supre broke, but this movie was $3.50!! THREE dollars fiddy! a steal of a deal. so this mean that i could participate in the lives of my roomates and friends. awesome! it also meant that i could drive them there!

This last monday my parents left for the dominican republic, and left me their minivan to drive and of course so i could drop them off and pick them up at the airport. So me, being generous, decided, since theres 7 of us going to the movies, that i could drive and we would all get there at the same time etc.

so we are driving along, not a care in the world, stopped at a red light, went to go again and BANG!!! this huge noise. i thought we were rear ended, but there was no one behind us. i flip the hazards on, turn it of, turn it on, try again. nadda!

Turns out nothing works but reverse. I get my trusty friends to help push me from the busiest street in our city to a side street. Thankfully my roomates have AMA. We called AMA, went across the street to have a beer at a super cheese bar and waited for the tow truck driver.

Thats where im at right now. Im home ( everyone else stayed to drink beers) and so dissapointed in the world. honestly world? was this really necessary?? with all the other shit that isnt working out in my life right now, you really need to pour this shit on me too?
for fucks sakes! give a girl a fucking break! What are the chances that i was going to be driving my parents minivan while they are away, while i am broke and jobless and lonely and already doubting humanity in itself? FUCK YOU WORLD!!

my choices now are this: tell my parents now and ruin their vacation... or wait until they get back and tell them.

this place sucks!

Beggars cant be choosers

For some reason I only think about great things to write about in this blog when its 2 am and im desperately trying to fall asleep. Despair always sets in, in the dark of night. The dark of night has always been my enemy, the Opressor of hope and dignity. I fear to tuck myself desertedly into my bed at night, as comfortable as my bed is. Dark thoughts follow and wild imaginations flourish.

Its not always grim and detremental to my mental health, but of late it is. You see, people of the internet, I am jobless. I spent the last year of my life being happier than I ever have and now I'm pretty sure I'm being punished for it. I was traveling around Australia for the last year, but my working visa was up in January and I decided to come home early to suprise my parents for christmas. Not only was I leaving the most beautiful place I have ever been, and the glories of traveling and the beauty of finding happiness in everything, but i was also leaving behind an italian boyfriend that I picked up along the way.
So not only having to come down from the highs of travel but also to the loss and lonelyness of singledom. I think I could have dealt somewhat ok with one or the other, but both, simultaneously were a bit much.

So now im home, to this godforsakenly cold lonely country, only to discover that my friends are how I left them, immersed in thier own relationships, with girls or with the bands their in and no-one really has time for me. Maybe I should just put it down as not being a priority. Cause its not that theyre NOT good friends, they've just got bigger fish to fry than me.
I've moved in with some friends, a couple that just bought their own house, and I live in the basement. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but theyre pretty messy people and definately of the mindset "out of sight, out of mind". And me, in the basement is out of sight. So are all the repairs in the basement. Dont get me wrong, theyre also great people, but perhaps we are not meant to be, as roomates.

I think half of my problems would be solved if I could just manage to get a job. I have been applying left and right for any job that I thought i could do, and that would pay half decent. I have been applying for jobs for a month and a half now and I have only gotten ONE interview, which I bombed. Sad. Today I swallowed my pride and called my old employer to see if I could get my old job back as a repair seamstress at a dry cleaners. Not really what I was looking to do, but im desperately broke and I dont feel like I have a lot of options left to me. It would have been so much easier if my previous boss would have picked up the phone when I called, but she didnt. So I left a message. Im not even sure that I am able to get my job back. yeeeeesh! Talk about stress!

And on top of that tomorrow I am finally getting my breast lump looked at. Word on the street is that its going to be an ultrasound and then an aspiration, which is them sticking a needle into it and draining it so they can filter the fluid for cancerous materials. No wonder I am such a bundle of joy lately. No wonder all I can do is complain about things. I cant controll hardly anything in my life so I've been nazi controlling everything that I have the slightest bit of control over. Sweet jesus, I need a job people!

I think thats all for now. Hopefully by tomorrow I will have a job, Not have breast cancer and while im wishing for miracles, I might as well hope for meeting the man of my dreams.

audios amigos!

All facts point to....

So I have been left behind.
And it made me really upset, so now im kind of analyzing why I am upset.

My mom called earlier this week and mentioned that our family friends, and my best friend growing up since i was five were headed thier way for a curling bonspiel and that wouldnt it be nice if i caught a ride with them so I could visit?! I hummed and hawwed about it for a while and then decided that yes, that would be a great idea. Now this whole time i had been msging my friend back and forth to see if I could get a ride etc. This was fine, no problems, I just had to decided if i wanted to go or not.

So I called today, to make sure that it was still okay to catch a ride with them and guess what? They already left and were 2 hours out of the city. Now I dont normally ask for favors like this. I dont make people go out of their way for me. I thought this would be ok, because I have known this girl for most of my life. 25 years!
I was looking forward to hanging out with my bro, who is grumpy, at the best of times. And my niece and nephue, who are starting to grow on me.

I think im trying to decide exactly what I am upset about, because this was a last minute decision for me, so i couldnt have really had all that much time to look forward to it, maybe 2 hours max. Is it that I was excited I had something to do this weekend, or that I was dismissed so easily? Im sure that by tmrw I wont have been so bummed out, but right now I feel like I could cry. Rediculous right?
Is it just as simple as not feeling in control? Does that make me a control freak? Or is it that I got so excited in those 2 hours because I dont really leave the house, and it was something to do?

I dunno. Either way its pretty lame, on her part for assuming i didnt want to go, and on my part for a) not being decisive and telling her i wanted to go and b)getting so upset when I was forgotten.

Best friends arent lovers

Something has come to my attention recently. Basically its a revelation about friendship. Its not that mind blowing, buts its definately something to think about. I dunno. I'm sure that you have realised it already. Im not quite sure why it took me so long to realise this little jewel, but now that I have, things make a lot more sence. Its basically this:

My friends dont need me. Ok. Some of them do. But not most of them. I dont mean this in a depressing sort of way, more of a matter of fact way. Most of my friends aren't my age. They are all younger or older by a few years. I think I know one person who is the same age as me, but that doesnt really mean all that much because emotionally, im a late bloomer. Im going through the things that my younger friends have already went through. Im not entirely sure why im such a late bloomer, but i am. But thats neither here nor there. What i realised the other day is that my friends dont need me because they are already in relationships. Probably about 95 percent of my friends are in long term relationships.
Now i've just gotten back from Australia, and that forced me out of a relationship with a sweet italian boy, Sammy. Im not sure how long our relationship would have lasted if we had had the chance to see it out. I would like to think for a long time. Years. Unfortunately i had to leave the country as my visa was up. It was just something i had to do, and sammy knew that and it made it a little bit harder leaving because not only was i leaving the most beautiful place in the world, but i was also leaving behind sammy and essentially breaking my own heart at the same time.
I think thats a lot of why im fairly blue right now. Its coming back to this horribly wintery country, glueing myself down to one place after traveling around for a whole year, but also breaking up and losing sammys love at the same time.

Sammy and I still talk, but its not the same. I know that hes been with other girls, and though its not something we talked about, I didnt really expect sammy to be single for long. Hes a 21 year old robust italian man. I mean, he practically exudes sex.
So not only am I going into withdrawls for traveling and learning and new experiences, but also for the companionship and all the great things about being in a relationship with someone you love.

In thinking about all the great qualities of being in a relationship I realised that i was trying to fill some of those gaps with friendship. And heres the problem: my friends dont need to fill those gaps. They have someone that they can turn to, ask advice and not be judged or just someone to hang with. I was having problems understanding why I was the one making contact with them all the time. No one would call or text me, I was always initiating. When you realise that it kind of makes you wonder why you are friends in the first place. But then i started wondering WHY they werent calling me. Its not because the dont like me, but because im not the first person they think of when they want some extra friendship. Does that make sense?

Another problem, or reason that im not in the first line of fire when they pick up the phone is that ALL my friends are in bands. If theyre not in bands, then they are girlfriends of guys in bands, or live with bandmembers. So its like theres this little club that meets ever week a coupla times and im not included, once again, not because im unwanted, but im just not thought of.

So whats a girl to do? I mean, im not musically talented and my singing is atrocious ( as much as i LOVE to sing). I know its not my friends fault for being in happy relationship, or that theyre in great bands that I love. But at the same time, it wouldnt hurt to make a bit of effort to include me, right? After all, thats what friendship is. You cant have a one sided friendship. Thats called stalking.

So am i supposed to make new friends? Where do you meet those? Get a boyfriend? I wish, yo! Where do you meet those? Gah.
That was my longwinded thought for today.

hmmm
what to write?
Man, this getting back to reality shit really bites the big one, ya know? For those of you who dont know, I have been travelling around Australia for the past year. It was heavenly. It was amazing! It was WARM, for shits sake!
I cant decide if coming back to Canada was a wise decision after all. I mean, I know I had to come back anyways, but if I had really wanted to, I could have managed to stay in the country for another 3 months. Who knew that coming home would be such a bummer? Who knew that my parents wouldnt even be that excited to see me?
Ah fuck. Not much i can do about it now.
But im missing the ocean and the sun, neither of which are avaliable in canada. It was a high of -18 degrees celcius today. A HIGH! that means that was the warmest it was going to be. Ugh. No wonder i stay inside and never go out. But i guess i cant stay inside until may, when the snow is finally gone. I need to meet new people. Make new friends.
Not that the ones i have arent great, but theyre all couples. And i dont know about you, but i know, as a single lady that hanging out with couples is a bit depressing at times. Just lately i have realized that I need to get married before my pop dies. And that realization came out of nowhere! What gives?! I mean, as if i dont have enough things to worry about, like getting a job in this god forsaken county, and then THAT thought pops into my head?! efffffed up!

Jeeze. that was a pretty depressing first post. Better luck tmrw?
I guess i didnt really think this thing out.