Baby did a bad Bad thing

I fucked up. Big time. More than once actually. I've never screwed up like this before. But I apologized and baked, and things/trust was gained and things were ok. It turns out I didnt fuck up that much, that he was overreacting and that my guilt was bigger than the deed. So things were ok. Then we got drunk together and all I wanted to do was go to sleep. My options were your place or wait for a cab home while trying not to pass out or hear him have sex.

Both times were blurred heavily by drinking. Both times I cant recall the conversation that convinced me to go home with you. If I could figure out those conversations maybe I could figure out you. Im worried you are just a pretty face. Good lord! The handsomest face i've seen in a while. Almost too handsome.
My brother once advised me that mechanics arent very smart. That I could do better. Strange, considering he IS a mechanic and I am a fixer of sorts myself, a clothing mechanic you could say. Im worried that you dont care, when its pretty obvious that you dont. Im making the obligatory overtures and gestures and invites in order to placate myself with these actions that have happened. To convince myself that I am not a hussy, a slattern. To be able to say that I gave it my all and did my part, so later on I can place the blame on you. When it really is still my fault and responsibility that I allowed these actions to take place. If only I could recall my reasoning. Strange that both times have been blacked out of my memories.

If only you werent so nice all of the time. Its hard for me to determine if you are making an effort. I remember dreams and hopes drunkenly whispered at the wrong place and time. I thought I had made myself clear, and even if I have perhaps this is your way of making yourself clear. I wont be fucked around anymore, in this or life. I need things, stability, and I want things. I am confused the the emptiness when sobriety returns. Am I finally growing up? Am I finally realizing when these brief relationships are going no where?

Its easy to remember the good things about you, but this time I feel taken for granted, or tricked into it. An empty convenience for you that leaves me feeling wretched and without morals.
In order for this to succeed you need to step it up and make some big changes. I do as well. I need to learn to say no. And not drink so much. and get some morals n self esteem. Or just ask you what you think you are doing.