the calm before the storm

These blogs are sporatic and unorganized and really not a very good window into my life. Perhaps that is not such a bad thing.

I think part of my problem with being in edmonton is that I feel squashed, hampered in, with no place to call my own. That may seem strange, coming from a girl that lived with 15 other girls in one room for 7 months, but strangely enough, i feel more crowded here, where i have my own room and basement and bathroom. I am a child of space and quiet. I grew up alone, with myself. Even when i was traveling i would need to go for walks by myself, or just find a place to sit and think and wonder.
Here, I am rarely alone. Joe and Annan work, but it seems like they work at opposite times, or that someone is always home. Its making me grumpy, which is unreasonable and silly. In oz, i would go for walks along the mighty yarra river, go to the markets or just wander alone. In oz, that was entirely possible, because it wasnt in sub zero weather. I hate this winter i live in, and i hate being crowded.

I think thats the beauty of traveling. The freedom. How you didnt need to inform people where and how you were going places, or what you did that day. Im not sure why i bristle so, when someone asks me questions. I have always been such a private person. I think this makes me hard to live with and probably hard to love.
I would love to live alone, to be accountable to no one, but at the same time I wonder if so much time alone would bring the sorrows. That balance is a hard line to follow.

I have gotten a job finally with my previous employer. Already I feel as if I am being cheated out of money. He hasnt told the girl that im replacing that she wont work there anymore. I get one day of training, and will work on salary. I am suspicious and despite the fact that I was looking forward to getting back to work, I am not looking forward to this. The two good things that i forsee about this job are the fact that I will be working alone, not doing much work, as well as the fact that I will be working close to my friend brandy's house, which I never get to go to because she lives so far away. Which indicates that this job is not very close to my house at all.

a double whammy?! inconcievable!

whats this you say? two posts in one day? inconcievable! unimaginable.

its true, i tell you, this is a real thing.

whelp. i talked earlier today about how i dont do well in the night time. its night time. at times like these i wish i had a lover. not only for sexy results, but because of the distraction. When im in love, or at least in bed with a person i rarely have time to dwell upon my own thoughts and feelings and dooms.

This evening I was excited to go to the movies with my friends. Im supre broke, but this movie was $3.50!! THREE dollars fiddy! a steal of a deal. so this mean that i could participate in the lives of my roomates and friends. awesome! it also meant that i could drive them there!

This last monday my parents left for the dominican republic, and left me their minivan to drive and of course so i could drop them off and pick them up at the airport. So me, being generous, decided, since theres 7 of us going to the movies, that i could drive and we would all get there at the same time etc.

so we are driving along, not a care in the world, stopped at a red light, went to go again and BANG!!! this huge noise. i thought we were rear ended, but there was no one behind us. i flip the hazards on, turn it of, turn it on, try again. nadda!

Turns out nothing works but reverse. I get my trusty friends to help push me from the busiest street in our city to a side street. Thankfully my roomates have AMA. We called AMA, went across the street to have a beer at a super cheese bar and waited for the tow truck driver.

Thats where im at right now. Im home ( everyone else stayed to drink beers) and so dissapointed in the world. honestly world? was this really necessary?? with all the other shit that isnt working out in my life right now, you really need to pour this shit on me too?
for fucks sakes! give a girl a fucking break! What are the chances that i was going to be driving my parents minivan while they are away, while i am broke and jobless and lonely and already doubting humanity in itself? FUCK YOU WORLD!!

my choices now are this: tell my parents now and ruin their vacation... or wait until they get back and tell them.

this place sucks!

Beggars cant be choosers

For some reason I only think about great things to write about in this blog when its 2 am and im desperately trying to fall asleep. Despair always sets in, in the dark of night. The dark of night has always been my enemy, the Opressor of hope and dignity. I fear to tuck myself desertedly into my bed at night, as comfortable as my bed is. Dark thoughts follow and wild imaginations flourish.

Its not always grim and detremental to my mental health, but of late it is. You see, people of the internet, I am jobless. I spent the last year of my life being happier than I ever have and now I'm pretty sure I'm being punished for it. I was traveling around Australia for the last year, but my working visa was up in January and I decided to come home early to suprise my parents for christmas. Not only was I leaving the most beautiful place I have ever been, and the glories of traveling and the beauty of finding happiness in everything, but i was also leaving behind an italian boyfriend that I picked up along the way.
So not only having to come down from the highs of travel but also to the loss and lonelyness of singledom. I think I could have dealt somewhat ok with one or the other, but both, simultaneously were a bit much.

So now im home, to this godforsakenly cold lonely country, only to discover that my friends are how I left them, immersed in thier own relationships, with girls or with the bands their in and no-one really has time for me. Maybe I should just put it down as not being a priority. Cause its not that theyre NOT good friends, they've just got bigger fish to fry than me.
I've moved in with some friends, a couple that just bought their own house, and I live in the basement. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but theyre pretty messy people and definately of the mindset "out of sight, out of mind". And me, in the basement is out of sight. So are all the repairs in the basement. Dont get me wrong, theyre also great people, but perhaps we are not meant to be, as roomates.

I think half of my problems would be solved if I could just manage to get a job. I have been applying left and right for any job that I thought i could do, and that would pay half decent. I have been applying for jobs for a month and a half now and I have only gotten ONE interview, which I bombed. Sad. Today I swallowed my pride and called my old employer to see if I could get my old job back as a repair seamstress at a dry cleaners. Not really what I was looking to do, but im desperately broke and I dont feel like I have a lot of options left to me. It would have been so much easier if my previous boss would have picked up the phone when I called, but she didnt. So I left a message. Im not even sure that I am able to get my job back. yeeeeesh! Talk about stress!

And on top of that tomorrow I am finally getting my breast lump looked at. Word on the street is that its going to be an ultrasound and then an aspiration, which is them sticking a needle into it and draining it so they can filter the fluid for cancerous materials. No wonder I am such a bundle of joy lately. No wonder all I can do is complain about things. I cant controll hardly anything in my life so I've been nazi controlling everything that I have the slightest bit of control over. Sweet jesus, I need a job people!

I think thats all for now. Hopefully by tomorrow I will have a job, Not have breast cancer and while im wishing for miracles, I might as well hope for meeting the man of my dreams.

audios amigos!