So I have been left behind.
And it made me really upset, so now im kind of analyzing why I am upset.
My mom called earlier this week and mentioned that our family friends, and my best friend growing up since i was five were headed thier way for a curling bonspiel and that wouldnt it be nice if i caught a ride with them so I could visit?! I hummed and hawwed about it for a while and then decided that yes, that would be a great idea. Now this whole time i had been msging my friend back and forth to see if I could get a ride etc. This was fine, no problems, I just had to decided if i wanted to go or not.
So I called today, to make sure that it was still okay to catch a ride with them and guess what? They already left and were 2 hours out of the city. Now I dont normally ask for favors like this. I dont make people go out of their way for me. I thought this would be ok, because I have known this girl for most of my life. 25 years!
I was looking forward to hanging out with my bro, who is grumpy, at the best of times. And my niece and nephue, who are starting to grow on me.
I think im trying to decide exactly what I am upset about, because this was a last minute decision for me, so i couldnt have really had all that much time to look forward to it, maybe 2 hours max. Is it that I was excited I had something to do this weekend, or that I was dismissed so easily? Im sure that by tmrw I wont have been so bummed out, but right now I feel like I could cry. Rediculous right?
Is it just as simple as not feeling in control? Does that make me a control freak? Or is it that I got so excited in those 2 hours because I dont really leave the house, and it was something to do?
I dunno. Either way its pretty lame, on her part for assuming i didnt want to go, and on my part for a) not being decisive and telling her i wanted to go and b)getting so upset when I was forgotten.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Best friends arent lovers
Something has come to my attention recently. Basically its a revelation about friendship. Its not that mind blowing, buts its definately something to think about. I dunno. I'm sure that you have realised it already. Im not quite sure why it took me so long to realise this little jewel, but now that I have, things make a lot more sence. Its basically this:
My friends dont need me. Ok. Some of them do. But not most of them. I dont mean this in a depressing sort of way, more of a matter of fact way. Most of my friends aren't my age. They are all younger or older by a few years. I think I know one person who is the same age as me, but that doesnt really mean all that much because emotionally, im a late bloomer. Im going through the things that my younger friends have already went through. Im not entirely sure why im such a late bloomer, but i am. But thats neither here nor there. What i realised the other day is that my friends dont need me because they are already in relationships. Probably about 95 percent of my friends are in long term relationships.
Now i've just gotten back from Australia, and that forced me out of a relationship with a sweet italian boy, Sammy. Im not sure how long our relationship would have lasted if we had had the chance to see it out. I would like to think for a long time. Years. Unfortunately i had to leave the country as my visa was up. It was just something i had to do, and sammy knew that and it made it a little bit harder leaving because not only was i leaving the most beautiful place in the world, but i was also leaving behind sammy and essentially breaking my own heart at the same time.
I think thats a lot of why im fairly blue right now. Its coming back to this horribly wintery country, glueing myself down to one place after traveling around for a whole year, but also breaking up and losing sammys love at the same time.
Sammy and I still talk, but its not the same. I know that hes been with other girls, and though its not something we talked about, I didnt really expect sammy to be single for long. Hes a 21 year old robust italian man. I mean, he practically exudes sex.
So not only am I going into withdrawls for traveling and learning and new experiences, but also for the companionship and all the great things about being in a relationship with someone you love.
In thinking about all the great qualities of being in a relationship I realised that i was trying to fill some of those gaps with friendship. And heres the problem: my friends dont need to fill those gaps. They have someone that they can turn to, ask advice and not be judged or just someone to hang with. I was having problems understanding why I was the one making contact with them all the time. No one would call or text me, I was always initiating. When you realise that it kind of makes you wonder why you are friends in the first place. But then i started wondering WHY they werent calling me. Its not because the dont like me, but because im not the first person they think of when they want some extra friendship. Does that make sense?
Another problem, or reason that im not in the first line of fire when they pick up the phone is that ALL my friends are in bands. If theyre not in bands, then they are girlfriends of guys in bands, or live with bandmembers. So its like theres this little club that meets ever week a coupla times and im not included, once again, not because im unwanted, but im just not thought of.
So whats a girl to do? I mean, im not musically talented and my singing is atrocious ( as much as i LOVE to sing). I know its not my friends fault for being in happy relationship, or that theyre in great bands that I love. But at the same time, it wouldnt hurt to make a bit of effort to include me, right? After all, thats what friendship is. You cant have a one sided friendship. Thats called stalking.
So am i supposed to make new friends? Where do you meet those? Get a boyfriend? I wish, yo! Where do you meet those? Gah.
That was my longwinded thought for today.
My friends dont need me. Ok. Some of them do. But not most of them. I dont mean this in a depressing sort of way, more of a matter of fact way. Most of my friends aren't my age. They are all younger or older by a few years. I think I know one person who is the same age as me, but that doesnt really mean all that much because emotionally, im a late bloomer. Im going through the things that my younger friends have already went through. Im not entirely sure why im such a late bloomer, but i am. But thats neither here nor there. What i realised the other day is that my friends dont need me because they are already in relationships. Probably about 95 percent of my friends are in long term relationships.
Now i've just gotten back from Australia, and that forced me out of a relationship with a sweet italian boy, Sammy. Im not sure how long our relationship would have lasted if we had had the chance to see it out. I would like to think for a long time. Years. Unfortunately i had to leave the country as my visa was up. It was just something i had to do, and sammy knew that and it made it a little bit harder leaving because not only was i leaving the most beautiful place in the world, but i was also leaving behind sammy and essentially breaking my own heart at the same time.
I think thats a lot of why im fairly blue right now. Its coming back to this horribly wintery country, glueing myself down to one place after traveling around for a whole year, but also breaking up and losing sammys love at the same time.
Sammy and I still talk, but its not the same. I know that hes been with other girls, and though its not something we talked about, I didnt really expect sammy to be single for long. Hes a 21 year old robust italian man. I mean, he practically exudes sex.
So not only am I going into withdrawls for traveling and learning and new experiences, but also for the companionship and all the great things about being in a relationship with someone you love.
In thinking about all the great qualities of being in a relationship I realised that i was trying to fill some of those gaps with friendship. And heres the problem: my friends dont need to fill those gaps. They have someone that they can turn to, ask advice and not be judged or just someone to hang with. I was having problems understanding why I was the one making contact with them all the time. No one would call or text me, I was always initiating. When you realise that it kind of makes you wonder why you are friends in the first place. But then i started wondering WHY they werent calling me. Its not because the dont like me, but because im not the first person they think of when they want some extra friendship. Does that make sense?
Another problem, or reason that im not in the first line of fire when they pick up the phone is that ALL my friends are in bands. If theyre not in bands, then they are girlfriends of guys in bands, or live with bandmembers. So its like theres this little club that meets ever week a coupla times and im not included, once again, not because im unwanted, but im just not thought of.
So whats a girl to do? I mean, im not musically talented and my singing is atrocious ( as much as i LOVE to sing). I know its not my friends fault for being in happy relationship, or that theyre in great bands that I love. But at the same time, it wouldnt hurt to make a bit of effort to include me, right? After all, thats what friendship is. You cant have a one sided friendship. Thats called stalking.
So am i supposed to make new friends? Where do you meet those? Get a boyfriend? I wish, yo! Where do you meet those? Gah.
That was my longwinded thought for today.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
hmmm
what to write?
Man, this getting back to reality shit really bites the big one, ya know? For those of you who dont know, I have been travelling around Australia for the past year. It was heavenly. It was amazing! It was WARM, for shits sake!
I cant decide if coming back to Canada was a wise decision after all. I mean, I know I had to come back anyways, but if I had really wanted to, I could have managed to stay in the country for another 3 months. Who knew that coming home would be such a bummer? Who knew that my parents wouldnt even be that excited to see me?
Ah fuck. Not much i can do about it now.
But im missing the ocean and the sun, neither of which are avaliable in canada. It was a high of -18 degrees celcius today. A HIGH! that means that was the warmest it was going to be. Ugh. No wonder i stay inside and never go out. But i guess i cant stay inside until may, when the snow is finally gone. I need to meet new people. Make new friends.
Not that the ones i have arent great, but theyre all couples. And i dont know about you, but i know, as a single lady that hanging out with couples is a bit depressing at times. Just lately i have realized that I need to get married before my pop dies. And that realization came out of nowhere! What gives?! I mean, as if i dont have enough things to worry about, like getting a job in this god forsaken county, and then THAT thought pops into my head?! efffffed up!
Jeeze. that was a pretty depressing first post. Better luck tmrw?
I guess i didnt really think this thing out.
what to write?
Man, this getting back to reality shit really bites the big one, ya know? For those of you who dont know, I have been travelling around Australia for the past year. It was heavenly. It was amazing! It was WARM, for shits sake!
I cant decide if coming back to Canada was a wise decision after all. I mean, I know I had to come back anyways, but if I had really wanted to, I could have managed to stay in the country for another 3 months. Who knew that coming home would be such a bummer? Who knew that my parents wouldnt even be that excited to see me?
Ah fuck. Not much i can do about it now.
But im missing the ocean and the sun, neither of which are avaliable in canada. It was a high of -18 degrees celcius today. A HIGH! that means that was the warmest it was going to be. Ugh. No wonder i stay inside and never go out. But i guess i cant stay inside until may, when the snow is finally gone. I need to meet new people. Make new friends.
Not that the ones i have arent great, but theyre all couples. And i dont know about you, but i know, as a single lady that hanging out with couples is a bit depressing at times. Just lately i have realized that I need to get married before my pop dies. And that realization came out of nowhere! What gives?! I mean, as if i dont have enough things to worry about, like getting a job in this god forsaken county, and then THAT thought pops into my head?! efffffed up!
Jeeze. that was a pretty depressing first post. Better luck tmrw?
I guess i didnt really think this thing out.
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