Options include:

I've managed to scrape up the moxie to ask. First I need to make sure judy can cover the thursday so I can hang with tbr. Once that is confirmed I'm set to ask the boss for a month off for Italy in November.

If he says yes: GO GO GO!!!

or Go to fest AND THEN italy!

If he says no:

-dont go ( do I really need to escape my 30th birthday by traveling across the world to a place that I think I will like, but will probably be just as upset that I'm alone on my b-day and nobody cares?)

-ask for 2 weeks instead and go to Italy ( Do I really need a whole month to travel around? 2 weeks does sound too paltry to go on all those adventures)

-quit Todds and go anyways ( This job is thankless, unrewarding, not beneficial ( medically or any other way) and bad for my mental health. I am sure I am getting screwed over financially by my boss.Its only redeeming quality is that I can sew for Janna here, a job I love, but lets face it, its illegal and I think I am underpaid in this job as well)

This last option would leave me jobless, and I probably wouldnt be able to enjoy that month in Italy very well thinking about going home financially unstable. Though it would leave me free time ( all the time in the world, baby) to sew for Janna, winter months are slow for cinder+smoke. It would also prevent me from using the industrial sewing machine, which is at Todds.

To be honest we all ( EVERYBODY) know that Todds is a shitty job. Its dead end and it stifles my personality and creativity and self esteem. So perhaps the real question is wether or not I'm going to quit my job, Italy or no.

The year comes to light

In light of my recent breakdowns and nights spent alone, trying to figure out the world, I have made a decision.

I am going to spend a month in Italy this november. This year I turn 30, and I see no reason to celebrate this monument by sitting at home sobbing because no one bothered to call, write or send cards ( thats how I spent 29, and it was heartbreakingly horrible). I have no desire to be that sad again, and if the solution is to flee the country and these horrible friends of mine, then so be it.

I have wanted to go to Italy for some time now, for various reasons; the food, the men, the weather, the food. The language ( which I have yet to learn) is beautiful. I find myself watching the Italian network on teevee, attempting to make out what they are saying, judging by the subject matter show. I have to ask my boss for a whole month off, 2 weeks more time than what I am allotted. I figure if I give him enough warning ( 11 months) that it shouldnt be too much of a problem, right?

I do have a few obstacles. I need to save money, first of all. You think 10-ish months to save should be enough time, but I still need to pay the remainder of my car to my parents, pay off my credit card bill and unfortunately pay for a rather expensive dentist bill, which will be around $1500 by the time the cleaning, extracting and filling is all done. yeeep! So far, other than getting time off work, all my problems are monetary. Yes, I do need to find someone to water my plants, but I think that will be pretty easy.

Thinking and planning and imagining about this trip has already lifted my spirits hugely. This goal has given me something to look forward to. I havent had anything to look forward to in a year at least, I think.

I do plan to invite people to come to Italy with me, privately. I dont want to do a general "come who may" invite, as I dont really want people that will "cramp my style" as they say. In all honesty, I doubt anyone will meet up with me. If they can't bother to phone on my birthday, I dont expect them to travel to another continent for it either. After discovering you aren't important to anyone, its a surprise that I'm inviting anyone at all.

Perhaps in the months planning this extended vacay/celebration I can make some better decisions about where I want to live, because Edmonton seems to be sucking my soul out. Or precisely the people that live here. I realized how exhausted I feel from chasing around after people attempting to keep up awkward friendships and getting little joi out of it. I am done this chasing, this tagging along, this nagging for attention. If i'm not invited, I'm not going to invite myself. Relationships of any kind go both ways and I am mighty tired of doing all the heavy lifting.

I know that I have given up like this before, twice since I have came home ( a little more than a year!) and I will do it again.

So to Italy I go to celebrate( ha) the living of 30 years. If I had known this is what life would be like, I'm sure I would have done everything possible to change it, but as I never actually thought ahead to what my life would be like by this time, I am the one to blame. Hoping that I would be married and thinking about kids by now is almost a joke to think about. Maybe by 40? I had better cross my fingers now.

new years resolutions with no solutions

Perhaps I should make this a Bi-annual yearly blog, as thats how often I type my thoughts out. I often think about typing things down in here, but as of late, my thoughts are dark and glum and sometimes just typing them out is like admitting that they are in fact true.

The year is almost at a close. I think that 2010 was the year of truths for me. Hard truths. I realized a lot of things about myself, mostly, and how I view the world and myself as well. It could be that I was deceived all this time, or just that the world actually HAS changed this much. I would like to believe I am just as optimistic as I was at the beginning of this year, but that would mean that all these truths that I have discovered are worthless.

I have learned the hard truth that I am NOT important. If truth be told, and this is the year of truths, then I have discovered that if I were to move away or disappear, that I would be missed by few. I would be missed most only by the people that need me: Janna to sew for her, My boss for someone to do this shitty job, and perhaps my landlords to pay rent. That's the list. I have no friend who are close enough to miss me. I know Chrispy would say he would, but in all honesty I see him once a month, if I am lucky.

This truth is a hard pill to swallow. Its hard to admit to yourself that you aren't needed, that your entire purpose in life right now is to pay bills and sew. Sure, it's nice that I am enabling Janna's dream, but at what price to myself?

I suspect, like most hard truths I have learned this year that this is all a result of my own doing. I am the one to blame. Going to Australia was the best part of my life so far. Unfortunately it also severely cut most ties I had with my friends here. Was I always so anti-social? Was I always so forgettable? I don't think I was, but I can't really trust my memory, it's not reliable. This year I seem only capable of feeling loss and dispair. I have learned the art of hiding dissapointment and faking it, because when you are grumpy and mad and sad and tell people that they aren't being a good friend or not parenting anymore it just drives them farther away. Nobody likes a negative nancy, even when she's just crying out to be loved and noticed.

This year I have also lost a best friend, due to drunken behaviour that had nothing to do with me. I got blamed for something a friend did, and lost Chris over it. Sure, he wasn't the best a best friend could be, but as they say, beggars can't be choosers. Something is better than nothing, though I do think he was trying to get into my pants.

In my last post I was so hopeful that things were changing for the better. Some things have, while others have changed, but not to my advantage. I live on my own now, which is nice, I suppose, but so very lonely. I am not allowed a pet at my new place, so I try to talk to my plants, but I get about as much out of them as I do my friends and my job, nothing. I am exhausted by constantly putting myself out there, reaching for some way to fit in, to belong and to matter. I want to be someone's something special. I NEED to matter.

As this year comes to a close all I can hope for is something better in the new year. As always, I hope to have better posture, but I think this year that I have bigger fish to fry. Maybe by going to yoga I can make friends AND have better posture and learn to accept that we are not all destined for great things, or even pretty-ok things.

I never once thought, when I was young, that this is what I would grow up to be, but then again I never stopped to think about being an adult. I never had goals because I never thought I would be an adult, I'm not sure why. This year I will look ahead without any goals, just trying to keep my head above the water.

change comes from within

Seems like theres a whole lotta changing going on in my life lately.

I've been sewing the shit out of Cinder and Smoke garments, working double time for Janna and totally loving it. Because she sells the majority of her work at the farmers market downtown, which closes in another month, im a bit worried about where that will leave me. I keep meaning to ask her to see how much work she thinks she will have when thats done, but its pretty easy for me to forget.

When Janna comes to pick up/drop off stuff ( usually with a coffee, awesome!) its like im an excited little puppy. It totally brightens my day and makes me happy. Imagine what it would be like if i interacted with real people EVERY day?!!

Sewing for Janna gives me extra money for sure, which is awesome. My laptop broke a coupla months ago, and wasnt fixable so I got myself a macbook. This week I have finally bought myself a car. I havent had a car since 2003 or 04? Whenever i rolled my last one on the hiway.

I like the freedom that it gives me, not having to take the bus to/from work, and getting groceries is a breeze, but quite frankly, i feel like its made me even more anti social. Now i dont even have the busdrivers to say goodmorning to, or fellow passengers to peoplewatch.... Slowly i am making myself completely independant from everything and everyone around me. Im making myself lonelier... if thats possible?!

I am also moving in the middle of sept. Thank god! Joe and Annan are the hugest slobs in all the land. Thats just the way they are. Its pretty impossible to live with, dirty dishes and cat barf everywhere in this once beautiful house. Im moving back into my old house that i lived in before i moved to oz. Upstairs, with cory, with kalvin, nelle and my kitty downstairs. My great garden out back, and unfortunately the boy who crushed my heart lives across the street with his wonderful reality of pets and family and ladyfriend. You have to take the good with the bad right? Im hoping i can deal with matty easily and that it wont be rediculous. Though, i was driving there the other day and i almost had a panic attack about it. Damn. well, life isnt supposed to be easy right?

So now im packing up, hoping to move on, move to a happier place with friends/roomies that arent so self absorbed. Im missing ray, despite the fact that he would be a disaster for me. I guess im just missing the attention and companionship.

and im missing summertime. Where the hell did you go?

asshole.

everything that i never wanted

My bestie janice is headed back to oz this week and i dont think i really realized exactly how jealous i am of that. This last month has been really really hard for me. Im grumpy as fuck and im getting bitter-er with every passing day. Im getting frustrated with my life, my friends and my family and if i didnt know any better i would be running as far away as i could right now. I know im not happy here, but im not sure what i need to change or how to do it.

The one good thing in my life right now is my under the table, illegal job sewing for janna. I mean, its not that illegal, but i get paid in cash and i do it while im at another job. Its sad when i spell it out like that because really, its whats keeping me here in edmonton.

My roomates are really big slobs, as well as being my landlords too, so i cant really tell em to get their shit together. You wouldnt think that something like plain ol mess would make you angry, but it starts to grate on your nerves, day after day. Sure they clean, but only when THIER parents or friends are coming over. No, No dont worry about me.

That actually seems like the theme of my life lately. I know everyone else is busy with significant others and bands, but goddammit im still here, single and bored and lonely. Im awesome people. I shouldnt have to tell friends to be better friends. Its not friendly-like.

I guess my conclusion is that im horrible at any sort of relationship, wether it be at work, home or with friends and family, i just cant seem to connect and keep people around, sadly. I cant keep boys from running away and i cant get friends to hang out. Im outta the loop and im feeling pretty low about it. Am i that forgettable? This summer has been horrible so far. 2nd worst after mattycat. Thats a whole nother can of worms that doesnt need to come up for air. Probably just proves i was horrible at relationships all along. How did this happen? Was it from growing up on an acreage? Maybe from moving from sparwood at a young age? Being painfully shy? Where does this all begin? Not to point fingers, but to figure out why im such a fuck up and maybe do something about it.

i think thats it for now debbie downers, over n out.

tick tick tick tick

Could things get more complicated?



about once every 3 years I get into situations where I have 3-ish potential boys running around in my head. It only happends every 3 years, and usually I end up making a bad decision and then remain single for the next 3 years. Im not sure why these boys dont space themselves out, it would be greatly beneficial to them, and me.



Lately this has happened again. I suspect that it is because since my travels I think in a different way, therefore I see others in a different way as well. I dont think it means I have lowered my standards, just that my standards have changed. For some reason I am more wired towards getting married and having babies, which is really quite weird for me. But come to think of it, I know that I have had a body change ( like puberty or menopause, it happeneds about 4-5 times in a womans life) in this last year, so perhaps that might be a part of it too. strange, I never put that together until now.



Anywhoo. I have made some bad choices already, had some sexual relationships with an exes best friend, turns out the ex still had feelings for me, even though the feelings werent reciprocated back at him etc etc. So things are finally getting back to normal-ish with the ex, were are hanging out and going to movies etc, being friends, when all of a sudden he starts flirting with me. For me this is really confusing and it makes me feel like a dirty ho. He knows that something happened between myself and his best friend, but he still wants to hump me? This baffles my mind. and kind of grosses me out. So either he doesnt know, or he does and doesnt care. Theres a pretty huge difference there

While all this drama is going on, I have also met another boy who is nice and cute and fun. Unfortunately he is kind of young, though im not sure how young. He is also kind of scenestery, in a high profile band, which is good for him, but not so much for me. It makes me feel preassured into being cooler or funnier or prettier. I suppose I should take the time to remember that he asked ME out and that age doesnt matter, unless you are a 28 year old woman hearing time ticking for the first time.

This post makes me feel like a hussy. but if its only every 3 years, thats not so bad right?
happy st.pattys day tmrw kids, dont forget to wear green so you wont get pinched!

i cant wait to garden

im so busy lately. I have this new job, new but old i suppose. im working for my old job at a different location, which is far from my house. i work ten hours a day, and it takes me 45 mins to get there.. and back. so thats 11.5 hours out of my day, minimum. Its not leaving me much time to do anything, if i had things i had to do. It seems im always grocery shopping. or taking money out from the bank to pay my rediculous rent or utilities. My money seems to fly out of my bank account the moment i desposit it.
I know im just getting my feet back underneath me, but somehow since coming back from oz i've had bigger goals for my life. short term goals. or perhaps just things that i need to do or get done. I mean, i've always had these goals, but now they seem a bit higher up on my list of things to do.
I have been thinking strange things lately, wanting things way out of reach for me. Like lazer eye surgery. Is that a want or a need? i have really bad eyesight. if i wear glasses my eyes look tiny, and i get huge headaches. so i wear contacts 24-7, literally. im sure its not healthy for my eyes. To get lazer surgery it would cost at least $5000 for me.
$5000. i wonder if i will ever get that money together?
lazer surgery is the tip of the ice burg. maybe the most expensive, but its there all the same. I need dental work done, and there are things i would like to buy for myself. like a humidifyer. and a mirror. i'd love to get cable, if only to get the food network and the national geographic channel. but i think that is delving into wants, not needs.

its hard to think about all of the things i want, when it all seem so far away. Good lord. i would LOVE to have a car, so i could get better jobs and more money. what a vicious cycle. so i work heaps, to catch up on bills, and complain about my living situation and how i have no time, while i take the time to type this out. ha.