Options include:

I've managed to scrape up the moxie to ask. First I need to make sure judy can cover the thursday so I can hang with tbr. Once that is confirmed I'm set to ask the boss for a month off for Italy in November.

If he says yes: GO GO GO!!!

or Go to fest AND THEN italy!

If he says no:

-dont go ( do I really need to escape my 30th birthday by traveling across the world to a place that I think I will like, but will probably be just as upset that I'm alone on my b-day and nobody cares?)

-ask for 2 weeks instead and go to Italy ( Do I really need a whole month to travel around? 2 weeks does sound too paltry to go on all those adventures)

-quit Todds and go anyways ( This job is thankless, unrewarding, not beneficial ( medically or any other way) and bad for my mental health. I am sure I am getting screwed over financially by my boss.Its only redeeming quality is that I can sew for Janna here, a job I love, but lets face it, its illegal and I think I am underpaid in this job as well)

This last option would leave me jobless, and I probably wouldnt be able to enjoy that month in Italy very well thinking about going home financially unstable. Though it would leave me free time ( all the time in the world, baby) to sew for Janna, winter months are slow for cinder+smoke. It would also prevent me from using the industrial sewing machine, which is at Todds.

To be honest we all ( EVERYBODY) know that Todds is a shitty job. Its dead end and it stifles my personality and creativity and self esteem. So perhaps the real question is wether or not I'm going to quit my job, Italy or no.

The year comes to light

In light of my recent breakdowns and nights spent alone, trying to figure out the world, I have made a decision.

I am going to spend a month in Italy this november. This year I turn 30, and I see no reason to celebrate this monument by sitting at home sobbing because no one bothered to call, write or send cards ( thats how I spent 29, and it was heartbreakingly horrible). I have no desire to be that sad again, and if the solution is to flee the country and these horrible friends of mine, then so be it.

I have wanted to go to Italy for some time now, for various reasons; the food, the men, the weather, the food. The language ( which I have yet to learn) is beautiful. I find myself watching the Italian network on teevee, attempting to make out what they are saying, judging by the subject matter show. I have to ask my boss for a whole month off, 2 weeks more time than what I am allotted. I figure if I give him enough warning ( 11 months) that it shouldnt be too much of a problem, right?

I do have a few obstacles. I need to save money, first of all. You think 10-ish months to save should be enough time, but I still need to pay the remainder of my car to my parents, pay off my credit card bill and unfortunately pay for a rather expensive dentist bill, which will be around $1500 by the time the cleaning, extracting and filling is all done. yeeep! So far, other than getting time off work, all my problems are monetary. Yes, I do need to find someone to water my plants, but I think that will be pretty easy.

Thinking and planning and imagining about this trip has already lifted my spirits hugely. This goal has given me something to look forward to. I havent had anything to look forward to in a year at least, I think.

I do plan to invite people to come to Italy with me, privately. I dont want to do a general "come who may" invite, as I dont really want people that will "cramp my style" as they say. In all honesty, I doubt anyone will meet up with me. If they can't bother to phone on my birthday, I dont expect them to travel to another continent for it either. After discovering you aren't important to anyone, its a surprise that I'm inviting anyone at all.

Perhaps in the months planning this extended vacay/celebration I can make some better decisions about where I want to live, because Edmonton seems to be sucking my soul out. Or precisely the people that live here. I realized how exhausted I feel from chasing around after people attempting to keep up awkward friendships and getting little joi out of it. I am done this chasing, this tagging along, this nagging for attention. If i'm not invited, I'm not going to invite myself. Relationships of any kind go both ways and I am mighty tired of doing all the heavy lifting.

I know that I have given up like this before, twice since I have came home ( a little more than a year!) and I will do it again.

So to Italy I go to celebrate( ha) the living of 30 years. If I had known this is what life would be like, I'm sure I would have done everything possible to change it, but as I never actually thought ahead to what my life would be like by this time, I am the one to blame. Hoping that I would be married and thinking about kids by now is almost a joke to think about. Maybe by 40? I had better cross my fingers now.